So life has happened recently and while in the cyber world I have disappeared, I promise I’m still here. There’s really been a lot going on and it’s given me way too much time to think. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who has.
But anyways, I feel the need to share this. One, because then it will be real to me and I will have to do something about it. Two, because I will need to remind myself of this at one point and three, so that way anyone else who feels like this will know that they aren’t alone. I’ve been feeling quite alone and so I guess this is my way of reaching out.
If you asked just about any one of my friends, they could tell you that I have had a pretty good amount of confidence. It took me a while especially after high school to come into my own and just be happy about who I am. Lord knows I rode that like a convertible with the top down and the wind in my hair picking up friends along the way to help them be happy with themselves as well. Life is too short to want to crawl under a rock and stay there until the storm passes. Sometimes you just gotta take a chance. I took mine and didn’t worry about looking back. And that’s how I’ve been until recently.
I have been at my place of work for about a year and a half now and it dawned on me a couple days ago that I’ve let it affect my personality, for a lack of better description. When I first started, I was the only part time employee even though I was interviewed for full time. The when a full time position opened, I was passed over by a new employee who had finished her training that day. She hadn’t had time to be on the floor and was planning on being a full time student at the local university. The reasoning was that my sales numbers were low especially compared to all the full time people I was surrounded with including the new one. I was livid and really considered quitting but in this tiny town, finding a job was hard to come by especially considering the minimum pay was larger here than anywhere else. I gritted my teeth and went with it even when my parents were just as livid and encouraged me to quit.
Eventually I was able to get full time hours and everyone got a pretty decent raise. Not to sound greedy when I say I wanted more, but I figured after making it to the year milestone, it was time to move up the corporate ladder, figuratively and metaphorically. So when the next position opened up, the same coworker and I applied for it. She got it again. I can’t say it was another strike to the ego because my ego was already gone from the first blow. Now it was a matter of what did I do wrong?
Never really got an answer to that one. So instead of a full promotion, they opened a median position, so to speak. Still moved me over and gave me another slight raise and even got to spend some time out of town for training. That was super nice and even kind of relaxing. Once I got started in my new position, things started flowing, someone else left leaving another position available. I almost hesitated to apply for it but I figured the third time has to be a charm right? Wrong. A new girl was hired, who had never worked for the company or really in the industry, and was sent off for training.
I know that it shouldn't affect my self worth or esteem but after awhile, it just does. And so this is where I am and where I'm starting over from yet again.